today i was getting coffee with ana and i said i wanted to make a blog! she said she wants to make a vlog instead. we have frequently toyed with the idea of being vloggers... one day, maybe. it would be for us, we say. and that's the truth. something to look back on! the passage of time is a mind fuck. we were looking at the leaves falling down and it was fucked up because it was so beautiful but at the same time it's like "nooo " like stop falling. because soon the trees are going to be actually bare and it's going to be like that until SPRING! and the whole winter is going to happen in the meantime, and it's gonna be cold and we won't have leaves....
and i never take enough pictures and im on my phone way too much and time disappears out of thin air and the sun goes down early now and i honestly don't know how to gauge how much worse my memory is getting these days with the brain disease (post idea? lmfao) and this is all just the boring stuff we just need to get out of the way first
but today, a blog!
there is other stuff i could talk about here but it's decidedly too personal for now. who knows where i will draw that line as this blog progresses? i am excited to see lol. God i really need to do my homework! God i really need to write my blog post for my internship. but i think it's really good for me to have a blog for Ivy. a blog for me. i think i need this :) yay. no, i think i want this!!!! let me just want something. i think we can be a little afraid to want.
you know what, i will go on a tangent here and say that i think we tend to take things we want and verbalize them thru the language of need, if that makes sense, to validate them to ourselves and others, bc we aren't comfortable just plain wanting things. i'm sure this isn't a particularly original thought (kind of hate that i feel the need to say that lmao), but i think it's good to examine it. bc not all want is "good" and we know that, and when we find ourselves wanting something, we should pause and question: -why -is it feasible -does it align with my current goals/values -what will it cost me (in multiple senses) etc. etc. etc.. but when we convert our desires into false "needs," it becomes less apparent that a lot of this deliberation absolutely should take place! we feel much more comfortable giving ourselves (and others) "needs" without any further questions. this pattern also (in my own experience) can lead to fixating on only one solution, which can ultimately cause more frustration if things don't work out. anyway, idk if this makes sense; im definitely "guilty" of exactly what im talking about rn & reflecting.... but yeah. that's just that tough november self love
and so many people do actually need things right now. im trying to remember that when i say "i need ___" "i need ____" about material things (which wasn't really what i was talking about above, but it applies here in a different sense). i really try to contribute to mutual aid pretty regularly, but i could realistically do more, and i think a lot of other people could definitely do more. obviously everyone's situations are drastically different-- but it's so funny that a lot of ppl will put up these walls in their brains and say "i can't afford to give any money" while they have money to buy a bunch of random shit and go to the bars and get food delivered etc etc etc... like a lot of people can afford to help, but they aren't honest about that with themselves (or with others-- but, at the same time, i feel like ppl aren't often put into positions where they have to directly "defend themselves" on that front, bc money is one of those more taboo things to talk about for many.) idk. does what im saying make any sense? i don't know. im not trying to sound judgmental, or like im an authority on this whatsoever (bc im absolutely not). i just think we're at a moment right now where we should be talking about this stuff more than many of us currently are, with some level of self reflection. that's all
ahhhh!!!!well whatever yeah. take care of yourselves please and if u are reading this please let me know if you ever need anything because i want to be there if i can. i havent always been the best at responding to messages in general in the past but im doing a lot better now and yeah. all that other personal stuff im not getting into <3
anyway. lately ive been trying to balance trusting my gut and my intuition with my fears and moderately weird brain things. and it is hard and i havent figured it out. but for some reason i feel compelled to leave u with this word of advice here: try to be in tune with yourself. it can be really hard, but just try not to rationalize too much and make too many excuses and push too much to the side cause it's bad for you ! i've struggled with doing that shit (in many different ways) for a while and i feel fucking freeee now that i've started to let it go. YAY!!!!!! :)
THANK YOU FOR READING IVY'S BLOG!!! OMG!!! <3 <3 <3
these are some pictures
i have had on my computer
for years
imagine If we were all looking at the
